hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
