i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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