a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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