I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
