the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
