and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Someone shit on the floor
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
