does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
