Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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