it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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