Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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