ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
