so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Randomize
