She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
