I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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