I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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