I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
