1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
