I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
