She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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