I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
