Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
