I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
