i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
