Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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