Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
