go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Randomize
