Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
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I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
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I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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