Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Randomize
