i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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