Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
