saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Panties = found
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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