Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
