Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
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