you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
