butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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