Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
