You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
