You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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