If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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