Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
