Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
