I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
