Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Randomize
