I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
