FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
