i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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