if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
