Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
