Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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