i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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