so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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