i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
