I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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