his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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