I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
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