genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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