so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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