When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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