My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
